Slayers Snow White Parody
by Sumimasen
Summary: A wierd parody... And it rhymes... Cameo appearances by the Turks from FF7.


Lina Inverse and the Seven super deformed Slayers Characters  
  
  
  
  
  
In the fair town of Zanafillia there lived a maid,  
  
Who hated fighting, when she was not paid,  
  
At thrashing bandits she was best,  
  
But you'd have a death wish to mention her flat chest.  
  
Among evil ones her name is whispered like a curse,  
  
The girl, the girl called Lina Inverse!  
  
But let us turn from this girl like a beast  
  
And focus on a new character, Rezo, the Red Priest.  
  
This Rezo man was foolishly vain,  
  
Even his lover Eris, admitted he was insane.  
  
Dressing in robes that were constantly wiggling  
  
Strolling in the moonlight, happily giggling  
  
About the fiendish plans that tickled his mind,  
  
Sad to say Rezo was not very kind.  
  
Now Rezo owned a mirror that was special indeed,  
  
Ask it any question and surely it would succeed  
  
In giving you the answer that you sought.  
  
At least, that's what Rezo thought.  
  
So one day Rezo had a troubled mind  
  
He felt his way up the stairs, for you know Rezo is blind.  
  
Stumbling over table, chair and bed,  
  
When Rezo finally reached the mirror then he said,  
  
"Mirror, mirror on the wall,  
  
Who is the fairest one of all?"  
  
The mirror it did flicker and blink  
  
Gave a smirk and then a wink  
  
"So you want to know who is the fairest one of all?"  
  
the mirror asked as it hung on the wall  
  
"I will search far and wide,  
  
to find the one, perhaps the one to be your bride?"  
  
Red turned redder than his robes  
  
"No stupid mirror! I just want to know!"  
  
The mirror smirked wider, and its finger it waved.  
  
Rezo thought it was an odd way for the mirror to have behaved.  
  
"No sooner said then done so I'll give it a whirl!"  
  
It flashed and blinked and then showed a girl.  
  
Rezo cried out in a shocked tone  
  
Why this girl was all skin and bone!  
  
"How could this young red head,  
  
who eats so messily her daily bread,  
  
be the fairest in the land?" Rezo roared,  
  
smashing the mirror only making it giggle some more.  
  
Rezo did not regret making the mess,  
  
Especially when it warbled, "Sore wa himisu desu."  
  
Rezo drank some wine (only a swallow!)  
  
Deciding on what plan he should now follow.  
  
Perhaps he should send an assassin man?  
  
Yes, that was it, the way to kill Lina-chan!  
  
I'll ask none other than the deadly Turks!  
  
Their a rough crazy bunch of merciless murks,  
  
Who take a certain pride in their dirty work,  
  
And will employ themselves to meanest jerk!  
  
Yes, surely it will be that evil little band,  
  
To make me, the fairest in the land!!!!!  
  
So Rezo called the Turks to his aid,  
  
And told them why Lina must die as he bade,  
  
Tseng cared more about how much they'd be paid  
  
And when a sum was set, the deal they made.  
  
"At least it will be a lot that he pays.  
  
All to make this Lina girl dead in a few days."  
  
Said Reno as they left Rezo's place  
  
"I can't believe we took it, we've really lost face."  
  
Elena pouted, "So what is our frame of time?"  
  
"I don't know." Tseng said, "But I really hate talking in rhyme."  
  
"Blame the author." Said Reno in a foul mood.  
  
"...." replied Rude.  
  
So in a day or two the Turks arrived in the town,  
  
Tseng soon spotted Lina watching where she was bound.  
  
"I'll go this way, you circle around  
  
We'll catch her before she even knows who we are."  
  
"Okay," Reno said, his eyes drawn to a bar.  
  
When Tseng was gone Rude and Reno  
  
Abandoned the quest and went into the casino.  
  
"You idiots!" Cried Elena "What about the plan?!"  
  
"We have to go kill dear little Lina-chan!"  
  
Reno replied, "Come on Elena into the bar!"  
  
Elena rubbed her head and muttered "yare yare."  
  
Tseng was following the target with extreme care,  
  
When he heard the slurred songs wafting through the air.  
  
"Idiots!" Tseng growled, "I'm tired of those punks,  
  
We've haven't been in this town for fifteen minutes and already their drunks!"  
  
Well to confirm Tseng's fear  
  
Here came Reno, reeking with beer.  
  
He spotted Lina and staggered over to her.  
  
"Could ya please guild me to bathroom Sir?"  
  
Reno asked the disgusted Lina Inverse.  
  
She beat the snot out of him, to make things terse.  
  
"I am I woman! Not a man!" Lina punted him and screamed.  
  
"It's only what he deserved." Tseng said as he beamed.  
  
When Reno hit Earth it seemed  
  
to have cleared his head a bit.  
  
And upon her chest his eyes lit.  
  
"Hey, you're that girl, is it Hina or Kate?  
  
Yeah, you're the one we're supposed to assassinate!"  
  
If he could have, Tseng could have he would have killed Reno then,  
  
And left him to rot in a recycling bin.  
  
However, the statement had caused Lina no grief.  
  
"Yeah," she replied, "you and every other common thief."  
  
"I am not a common thief who is slow and dim--!"  
  
He would gotten farther, if not for the other Turks jumping on top of him.  
  
"Shut up!" Elena yelled, "You'll ruin the mission!"  
  
"Well," Grumbled Tseng, "he's already screwed up our commission."  
  
But what possibly could the reason be?"  
  
Lina looked at them with big innocent eyes  
  
"Yeah, this Red Priest freak want's you dead, right guys?"  
  
"Reno, you are very drunk." Said Rude.  
  
As the other Turks began to brood.  
  
Reno grinned and broke into song.  
  
"Reno you can't sing! Oh, this is so wrong."  
  
Elena complained as she and the other Turks  
  
Dragged Reno away, postponing their work.  
  
"Will you please wait right here for an hour or two?  
  
Then we'll be back to assassinate you!"  
  
Normally Lina would have stayed around  
  
Just to see if she could pound  
  
Those guys who admitted to such a crime.  
  
However, for Lina it was in the month a time  
  
When girls get cranky screaming for hours,  
  
And when they lose all their powers.  
  
So Lina was not eager for a fight.  
  
So instead she took flight.  
  
Lina went in the woods and over streams  
  
While Reno giggled in his dreams  
  
She hoped to avoid the Turks for a few days  
  
Then she would remind them that crime never pays!  
  
So Lina ran and ran and ran and ran  
  
Keeping herself going by remembering the plan.  
  
Through the thorns she was scraped and cut  
  
Finally poor Lina came to a small hut.  
  
She carefully went to the window stumbling,  
  
Smelled the food sending her stomach rumbling,  
  
Peeked inside to see what she could see,  
  
And low and behold, Slayers characters SD!  
  
It was mass chaos in the little hut  
  
Explosions and screams, and someone's butt,  
  
She observed the creatures hoping to learn  
  
The kind of fuel on which they burn.  
  
Lina was frighten by the SD horrors,  
  
But her stomach won and she couldn't ignore her's.  
  
One little SD jumped out of reach  
  
And began to shout a justice speech!  
  
Another cackled as her cleavage bounced  
  
And upon a poor blond idiot she pounced!  
  
Another sat in a corner seeming to rue  
  
While another looked helplessly around wondering what to do.  
  
Two others argued up a gale  
  
The angrier one had a golden tale.  
  
It was then that Lina decided to make her appearance  
  
And in their chaos provide some interference.  
  
"Hey look outside!" cried one who showed gladness,  
  
The others stopped their mayhem and madness.  
  
"Hello" said Lina trying not to be rude,  
  
"I am a traveler in search of food."  
  
"We'll give you that or we aren't elves,  
  
but first, let us introduce ourselves!"  
  
"I love justice and speeches that are sappy,  
  
I am Amelia, the one named Happy!"  
  
"I am the sad Chimera who's face is bumpy  
  
I'm named Zelgadis also known as Grumpy.  
  
"I am a poor idiot who is not too bright  
  
I'm Gourry, or Dopey, ummm.. Right?  
  
"With me flare carrots are always in stock,  
  
I am Syphil, AKA Doc."  
  
"When things don't go my way I'm dramatically weepy,  
  
It's never boring with Martina/ Sleepy!"  
  
"I don't understand my name it's really cheesy,  
  
I'm the Dragon maiden, Fillia but for now I'm Sneezy."  
  
"WOHOHOHO! I am the one men dash for,  
  
Yes, the great and powerful Naga AKA Bashful!"  
  
Lina's eye began to twitch and stir  
  
There was definitely nothing bashful about her!  
  
Then her stomach reminded her of her hungry mood.  
  
"So now, how about the food?"  
  
"Not so fast! Introduce yourself first!"  
  
Cried Amelia, looking as if she would burst.  
  
"I'm Lina Inverse, and I'm talented in spell construction."  
  
"LINA INVERSE?! The girl who leaves in her wake destruction?!"  
  
"WOHOHO!" Naga laughed, "You are fit to be one of my rivals!!"  
  
"Why do I always get that reaction? Like to society I'm a deprival."  
  
"Miss. Lina what brings you to our humble abode?"  
  
So Lina proceeded to unload.  
  
"Well don't worry Miss. Lina if they come near here, POW!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, so how about some chow?"  
  
"Oh," paused Amelia glaring at the girl who was lewd,  
  
"I'm afraid because of SOMEONE we don't have any more food."  
  
"But you told me that as sure as you were elves.. That's what you said."  
  
"But we're not elves. We're SDs, just look at our head."  
  
"No this can't be!" Lina began to pout.  
  
"Never fear, we'll just order take out!"  
  
They ordered pizza from the nearest town  
  
But as soon as it came the SDs gobbled it down.  
  
"Ah! You didn't even leave me a piece-ep!  
  
Lina shouted, as Gourry bit her finger and Martina fell asleep.  
  
They went to bed and the night slowly passed.  
  
When morning came the hut smelled strongly of gas.  
  
Lina awoke to find herself alone,  
  
The only reminisce of breakfast, a bone.  
  
"They must have left to forge some more.  
  
Huh?" there was a knock at the door.  
  
Lina got up, and staggered like the dead,  
  
Opened to door and found a man with a bag on his head.  
  
Lina wondered if these woods were considered a ghetto  
  
When the man began to speak in a horrible falsetto.  
  
"Hello, I'm a woman from the chapel,  
  
and I wondered if you would like this apple?"  
  
Lina eyed him with suspicion  
  
Don't trust him, said her woman's intuition  
  
But the apple looked very good and free of grime,  
  
Besides, she hadn't had anything to eat in a very long time.  
  
"Okay," said she  
  
Lina took the apple as the man did flee  
  
Into the fruit her teeth tore  
  
And with that Lina fell on the floor.  
  
Tehehehehe!!!  
  
Rezo cackled with glee.  
  
"With only a bite, for that will do,  
  
Haha! Lina I finally got you!  
  
Yes, the Turks it seems were a useless band,  
  
And now I, Rezo, am the fairest in the land!!!!!!!!!  
  
And so Lina lay  
  
Until later that day,  
  
When the seven SDs came through the door  
  
And found Lina lying on the floor.  
  
"Despite the thing we did to deter  
  
The smell of our poot gas has killed her!"  
  
Cried Gourry the dim one, "We've killed Lina Inverse!"  
  
"That can't be right," Fillia said, "I think it's a curse!"  
  
"Yes someone has put on her a spell,  
  
So that she may never be again well!"  
  
"We can't give up hope," said Amelia/Happy,  
  
"I know what I'll do, I'll call my Pappy!"  
  
And so over brook hill and dale he came,  
  
For Amelia's father and Prince Phil were the same!  
  
"What villainous plot has made this girl so pail?"  
  
he asked, "Just what has happened to this poor female?"  
  
"We think that it may be a curse, Sir."  
  
Said Fillia, "That's what's wrong with her."  
  
"In fairy tales," said Zel, "The Prince wakes her with a kiss."  
  
"Oh Daddy do it for the sake of justice, we can't be amiss!"  
  
cried Amelia as she did justice twirls  
  
Prince Phil touched his lips to the girl's.  
  
"YEEEEEEEAAAAAG!" Lina screamed,  
  
when she saw Prince Phil, who at her beamed.  
  
looking at him Lina could only wince  
  
What ever happened to her handsome Prince?  
  
"Wait!" cried Rezo, "I want retribution!  
  
What about my apple contribution?"  
  
"Tehehe!" giggled the mirror who had been spying,  
  
"When I told you she was the fairest in the land, I was really lying."  
  
Rezo stopped short "What? What did you tell me a tale that was tall?  
  
"So share with me, just who in the land is the fairest one of all?"  
  
The mirror giggled and decided to tell,  
  
"Well it's that SD over there, the one named Zel."  
  
Rezo slowly turned around, as Zel decided if he should run,  
  
"Oh, hello, my dear, dear grandson!"  
  
Rezo cackled and chased poor Zel around  
  
"Why is it always me who is doom bound?!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
And now the time has come to talk of many things  
  
Of Turks, and jerks and hangovers, and people who are not yet kings  
  
And how SDs have so much energy and whether Reno sings.  
  
  
  
END  
  
Yeah there were parts that were a little awkward, but I figured it was weird enough. ^_^' BLA! 


End file.
